It never seems to get any better. I keep thinking it will. It has to. It has to. The only way to go is up.

I no longer work for A-1 taxi, which is not bad. When the Alaska Airline contract started, I thought everything would be great. I waited all Sept., making no money, no money at all, I waited for that contract. But the hours were riduculous. I had to do pick ups at 1am, 5am, 6am, sometimes at 11am (I usually got out of these but some days I had to do it), 2pm, 4pm, 5pm and 9pm. When was I supposed to sleep?? Those hours should have been illegal, in fact, they probably were. But I did them anyway. I only lasted six days. And by then, I was so exaughsted that I was only too happy to hand over the keys when John, the owner asked (because he thought that I was ten minutes at one pick up when I thought I was five minutes early - a communication misunderstanding).

That week, I went and put my application in with First student, gonna be a school bus driver. Interview, drug test, physical, got my CDL class B permit, training (unpaid - that sucks, but the pay when we start is not bad) starts Monday. I have no worries that I'll get in. A nice scheduled job, with scheduled pay. sounds good to me. I know some cabies love the freedom of being about to choose when to work, but I didn't really like the inconsistant hours and the inconsistant pay. Not for me. And I get weekends off! yeah!

Also, it seems that Brian and I are going to be moving back into Jason's apartments again. He has an effeciecy that is being built into the new building for a good price. Good price for a good part of town of Fairbanks. (cost of living is still twice what NM is). oh well. It'll be good. Jason even said that we can get one cat. that is the clincher. Living with Brian's parents is okay, but I know they dont' like the extra clutter and mess we have down stairs and we just have too much stuff for down here (I know it'll be cramped in the effeciecy too but at least it'll be ours so we won't have to answer to anybody) and I'll like having my own place again. Brian's parents are fine, but I -- *I* feel like a failure being dependent on them. It hurts me that I can't pay for my own place. I don't know if that makes any sense. For some reason, I felt when I moved back in with my mother when I was 20 years old, after living on my own for a year, I didn't feel like i was moving back home. I felt like I was getting a new roommate, and my mom was a better roommate than the ones I had before. I wanted to get away from psycho roommates and when my father left her with the house and all the debts, she also needed another income to pay the morgage. I felt like we were truely rommates, I wasn't depedent on her, we needed each other. brian's parents do not need our help, they are helping us out. I am grateful for that help. we needed it. we had nowhere else to go. they are very nice to us. but i want to prove that I am an adult, not a prodical son, able to take care of myself.

First get our own place, pay off school loans, medical bills, get a car, have children or a child, and the rest is history.

Of course, Brian isn't too happy about the way A-1 cut me loose (even though it was very amicable, John was actually nice and perfessional to me, unlike other times when he played mind games with me, made up that I said horrible things about him that I never said and got mad when I told him his cars had problems as if it were my fault he bought a bad van), so he's not going back. He hasn't been driving for about two months. he's been doing construction on jason's new apartment that time. Jason pays him. Not much, about min. wage, but Jason is a friend and cant' afford to contract so the fact that he's paying Brian at all is a real gift. But the apartment is eventually gonna be finished and he was planning on going back to A-1, but not any more. he wasn't sure what he was gonna do. But today he got a call from our friends Hur and Cho, the pink cabs, saying they were looking for drivers. They are really awesome guys from Korea, nice cabs, nice guys. Nicer than John. So anyway, Brian told them that after he's done with construction, he'll go over to work with them. Cool. that's awesome! good news!

See, everything seems to be getting better. Both brian and I have jobs lined up, getting our own place soon. Things'll fall into place.

My relationships aren't doing so well. I ran away my best friend because I couldn't keep my big fat mouth shut. I tried to appologise, but it wasn't enough. Brian seems angry a lot lately. I try to say things in a nutural tone of voice and approach sensitive things softly, but he screams at me, and most of the time seems so negative about everything. he is extremely impatiant. I feel worried to talk to him sometimes, worried about how he is going to react. Just today we got in a horrible screaming fight about what we wanted to do for dinner. Afterwards, I feel so tired, not hungry, depressed, just feel like giving up. What's the point? What's the point when everyone is just so angry, so unhappy. I'm not doing anyone any good. Rochelle says that I am extremely selfish. Isn't that so true? I'm not doing anyone any good. What good am I for? What can I do to make anyone happy? I am just feeling sorry for myself. Even when I think about how I can make other people happy, it's still doing it for myself, so they will like me. I don't know how to do anything selflessly. I need to do some major soul searching. I kind of know what the problem is. I just don't want to admit it. I need to get back with God. He's the only one who can make me selfless.

I ran into an old friend named Jaqi and Brian and I have been hanging out with her and Michelle and Michelle's fiance Kevin the last few weeks. Going bowling, going out to eat. it's been fun. I'm so glad that they are back in my life. I really need some friends. They are the only friends that I see or hang out with anymore. I only talk to Nickie and Anna online or by phone, we don't have time to hang out. Both Kellyfish and Josh Bennett are too busy with school to talk to me. I understand that. I don't begrudge them, I just miss them. I feel rather lonely. I really do. I have fun hanging out with Jaqi and Michelle but they are not close enough friends to confident in or on. I miss having friends that I could confidence in, have long deep dissucions with.

But life will go on. I must have faith. faith.